I have something to say but I can’t speak

‎”One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart you can’t utter”..J.E. Jones

This has been a very emotional few weeks for me.  My heart and head are filled with so many feelings and thoughts I just can’t function.  I sit thinking about that’s going on in my life and wonder if I should even have gotten up this morning.  I sit for a while then I can’t sit still.  I have to move about because the calmness of just sitting becomes to overwhelming.  I know I need to be doing something productive but each action brings my thoughts right back to what  it was I was trying to get my mind off of in the first place.

I go here and I think of you.  I try to do this and I think of the current situation.  I attempt to get things done and all I can do is focus on the decisions that need to be made.  What am I to do?  How did I get into this?  How long will this  last?  These are all questions that crowd my head now.

I know I should have been more vocal about my feelings for each one the things on my mind.  I was afraid that if I told you how I really felt I would hold you back from what you really wanted.  I was afraid that if I acted too quickly on the opportunities at hand I may have made a huge mistake and not been able to retract my decision.  I was afraid that if I finished that project I would not have anything to focus my attention on and then my thoughts would have come right back to ……………. well, YOU.

There is so much I need to say right now.  There’s a lot i need to speak about on so many situations.  There are a lot of words that are right there on the tip of my tongue  but I just can’t seem to get them from between my lips. 

I guess what I’m saying is that I am afraid to let my heart and my lips come together to form the words my mind wants your ears to hear.  I love you but it’s not that simple.  There is an abundance of words that go along with that one simple three word, three syllable phrase that would explain so much.  What we had or as you will always say what we will always have is so special and so complicated that words will never be enough to define it. 

Just know that no matter what or when there is always a very special part of my heart that belongs to you.   My heart will always have words stored in it that are not spoken by my lips to your ears but know that they are there just for you.

Why would I stay?

Yes, I deserve a better man.  Yes you were a fool to ever let me down; so why whoud I stay?  Even though you can still see true love shining in my eyes, you know I deserve a better man. 

I want to stay so bad.  I want to hold you, kiss you, sooth your hurting soul but I have to do what’s best for me; for us.  You have hurt me for the last time.  While I have the strenth to walk away I will.  We had an amazig journey together but now it’s time for me to go.  I can’t let you win what never should have been a battle. 

What we shared should have been an adventure but somehow it turned out to be so different.  I thought you were sent to love me forever, to walk with me through life hand in hand.  I thought you were sent to shelter me from all the evils of the world; but I see now that was a lie.  You tried to protect me from everything but yourself.  You say you’ll never hurt me again, but each day we live in this fantasy I am hurt even more by you.

It’s time for me to go now.  You said it yourself, why would I stay?  Thank you for the memories, the moments, the love………………Goodbye.

I don’t know where that come from……………it was random by m@ciebynite.

Mad @ God

I know we are not supposed to question God but sometimes I have to ask whe he does or allows the things he does.  I get so angry because it seems as if the things I desire and have led a “good life” for are only dangled in front om me then suddenly snatched away.

I set my sights on something and before it can come into existance its gone.  I finally set a pan of action for my life and what happens?  It disappears because I am knocked back on my ass and can’t physically or financially reach my goal.  I find the love that I feel I have been destined to find (after much searching and finding the wrong one) only to have him love someone else more than me. 

I dono’t understand why God has me in this rut.  I look back on all the things I have accomplished, things I didn’t even know I wanted and think “wow, thanks for the blessing”.  But I know tha life I live today is not it.  This cannot be the final point in the road for me.  I know there is so much for me to see, do, have, learn, feel.  Each time I think that and think I can set a path to it, the path moves and it seems like I can’t get my feet in motion on the new path.

So, YES! I get mad ag God.  I kniw I am suppoesed to be patient but I at the same time see so much more that I am suppoed to have.  And I’m saying tiis is what I am suppoed to have because the Bible says the later will be the greater; only I feel like my greatness will come when I’m not here to see it. 

I’m just saying, Dear God, th ank you for my blessing and thank you for the promise to keep blessing me.  But could you just give me something to hold on to so that I know that all the wrongs and tempations I have avoided were known to you and that I one day will feel a piece of the happiness I know is out there for me.

Thank you for listening God.  I just had to be random as only your M@ciebynite could be.

FEAR

Have you ever planned to go somehwhere, maybe just around the corner  to the store, and ended up going th e long way around?  Maybe you were planning on getting to work on time but kept getting delayed.  Turns out when you got to the store you found out there had been a watermain brake  on the street you ordinaryily would have taken and i t had traffic blocked.  Perhaps  when you finally did get to work you ran into a former co worker you would have missed had you been in your office on time.  All this happened because we are alway where we need to be when we need to be there. 

For years I have said that God always has us in the right place at the right time.  So many times I’ve said when my plans were redirected that if I had gone about my original plan then I would not have expeienced  this or that.  Well tonight I had a thought…….what if I’d been too head strong to listen to quiet thoughts in my head that would have changed the outcome of  the day?  What if I had ventured off the original course or what if I’d dared to avoid detours?  Where would I be?  Why am I still here?  Why amd I still in this job?  Should I have a higher degree?  Was my soul mate waiting for me a tthe other exit? 

I guess my biggest fear is having missed out on my destiy somehow.  I mean come on, think about it…..if you had not made the choice you did whould you have something greater or something less?  I know we are placed where we are meant to be by God but does he have a plan B  if we are so dtermined to go against what was originally planned?

I don’t know……but……..this has been totally randdom but it has been M@ciebynite.

PEACE OF PIECE

Peace of Piece

Awhile back I posted a blog here entitled “The Top 40″ and beginning tonight I am going to start explaining what each means to me in MY world.

The first was  have a peace of mind and a piece of property.  These two can be viewed seperately or hand in hand.  I plan on having peace of mind in knowing that I have achieved all that I can in life.  I will have peace of mind in knowing that I have a very strong faith, education, family & social supporting network.  I will have peace of mind in knowing that I have at least attempted to reach my goals in life and that I am successful.  I will have peace of mind in knowing that I have a family of my own that I love and that loves me unconditionally.  I will have a wonderful man in my life who listens to stories of my past; understands what’s going on with me/us currently; and cherishes even the simpleist idea of my/our future.  I will have peace of mind in knowing that not only have I made myself proud but that those who have pushed and guided me from the start are beaming with pride at the thought of just me.  They will not need to see my honors and award displayed proudly but will know that I have done my best and that I am happy.

Now a piece of property is import to have as well.  It symbolizes not only an accomplishment but a maturity.  I do not define property as the largest acreage of land with the grandest of houses, gardens, and cars.  Instead to me owning a piece of property is as simple as having a comfortable home within one’s current means.  In my life I may have only one piece of property of I may have several, but no matter what I will have a home that I can look back on at the end of each day and say, “this is mine no matter what”. It will be a home that I have earned and purchased without out any regrets.  My piece of property will not be a show place for strangers to admire but rather a home place for me to admire and that the Lord for providing me with through years af hard work, prayers, and determination.

Now how do the two go hand in hand?  It’s simple.  I will have peace of mind when I have a piece of property because I will have that one place that I know I will be safe and that no one can easily remove me from.  It will be my safe haven when I need to get away from the rest of world.  When I have a piece of property, I will have peace of mind because I not have to worry about taking care of someone else’s property.  My peace of mind will come from knowing that my hard earned money, sweat, and tears are not supporting someone else but that everything I put into that piece of property financially will be to benefit me and mine.

Do you have peace of mind and a piece of property?  Random question but its m@cybynite.

The Best Man—-the movie vs. real life

ok I know by now everyone has seen the movie “The Best Man” staring Morris Chestnut and Taye Diggs.  In this movie, the main character, Lance, played byMorris Chestnut is about to marry the love of his life, his college , his queen.  As he and his college friends reunite for the wedding the begin to reflect on the antics of the once college and now professional football player.  He was the ultimate ladies man.  In college and in the pros he bragged on how he had so many women at his beck and call.  At some point he relizes, Mia, played by Monica Calhoun, is the only woman for him and he plans a wonderful ife them.  The beginning of this planned life starts with their wedding where is best friend since the early years of college will stand by his side and witness him vowing eternal love to Mia. 

A string of events heads to Lance learning of Mia’s infidelity to him back in college with none other than with Harper, Taye’s Digg’s character.   It only happens once by all accounts but still is breaks Lance’s heart to know that his best friend has been with his “sweet queen”.  You have all seen the movie and kow how the second half of the movie plays out.

Ok here’s my question:  How could Lance get so upset with his best friend that he 1) shows up a the wedding to only call it off and 2) beat the breaks off his long time best friend?  By all accounts in the book where he learns of the betral, it was Mia who went to Harper for comfort because he was not giving her the respect and attention she deserved as his girlfriend.  Shouldn’t Lance have at least confronted Mia about what he belived to have happened?  This night of passion happened so many years ago and so much love and respect has grown between both Lance and Mia and Lance and Haper that what happened back then shold have been null and void at this point. 

Now I will admit that the thought of a best friend and betroved getting together would be cause for one to rethink the nuptials but to only be upset with the best friend?  Come on!  In the real world there should have been a conversation between Lance and Mia about that night in college and that conversation should have ended with an apology from Mia for steping downt o his level and not being faithful to him but there also should have been an apology from Lance to Mia for not being commited to their relationship and subcoming to lime light of being a future pro baller.

Please help me to understand why no questions were asked of Mia about that night and why there didn’t seem to be any anger towards her for keeping such a secret. 

I’m just saying…..it’s M@cieByNite…..and I want your feed back.

A BIT OF random ADVICE…..

How much pain does your heart have to take before you realize, love shouldn’t hurt?  Find a painless, not perfect, love.

A LOVE LIKE THIS :)

I was just listening to a Donell Jones song, “a love like this”, and began to smile.  Who am I kidding, I flat-out started laughing.  I thought back on the relationships I have had in the past, currently, and those that I have wished I were in and I realized that when I finally do settle down with the right man for me he is going to get it so good!

You see the next man who I call my own (and he will be my destiny) is going to be spoiled by all the loving I have stored up just for him.  He is going to reap the benefits of all the things I have witnessed all these years from other relationships, mine and others around me.  I’ll know how to treat him and because he is the one I was meant to be with, he will treat me better than I have ever been treated.  Between the two of us there will be so much respect, trust, fidelity, passion, compassion, understanding, romance, laughter, adventure, and most of all LOVE. 

I can’t wait for that day to happen!  But the longer I wait patiently for God to complete him for me (and me for him), the more my love will grow and the more he will gain from my heart.

Finally I will be able to share those 3 magic words with a man and actually meant it, believe it, receive it and be confident that LOVE is real. 

I feel a little sorry for all the men who are not meant for me because they are going to miss out on sooooooo much goodness.  I’m so excited about the anticipation of being in love for once and for all.

This has been random but tonight it’s not by M@cie but a random truth by the real me.

voId

Whatever happened to the feeling I used to get at the mere thought of seeing that special someone?  What happened to  just knowing they were thinking of me or I of them  made me smile?   What has caused me to loose that wonderful feeling of being in love?  Has my heart become so broken that I don’t know how to love again? 

As I listend to a friend tell me how they loved their significant other and how they hope to live the rest of their lives together.  I thought of the days when I often had those same feelings about someone and now even, when I’m with that special someone I don’t have those feelings.  At first I thought it was just that the person sitting next to me was not “the one” even though we shared so many things in common.  Now I truly belive that my heart has been  broken so much in the past that it can’t hold love. 

I have gone so far as to stand by and watch someone I care about fall in love and marry someone else.  Of course I have me moment of sadness but in the end I move on.  Now in the past I would have been devastated by getting dumped or looked over but today….oh well….it is what it is. 

I no longer look for love.  I don’t think that any of the romantic (and I use that term lightly) relationships will ever turn into a splendid love.  I just don’t see it.  Don’t get me wrong, I find joy in seeing and hearing about the love of others but for me, well I think I’ve missed that boat.  I have decided to just be content with whatever I wind up with.  I have for so long wished I had a love that I could be proud of; one that I couldn’t wait to get home to each day.  I dreamt that we would travel together, explore together, laugh together,…….we you get the picture but now I have come to the conclusion that the only thing constant in all of those dreams was ME.

I am going to have to learn to make ME happy.  I am going to have to learn how to please ME.  Take ME out, cater to ME.  No one else is going to do it and no one can do it like I can. 

To thine own self be true.

This is RANDOM but hey, its M@cie by nite.

well here goes

at the insistance of a dear friend i have decided to start blogging.  keep in mind i am new to this but because my friend wants to delve deeper into my soul i have decided to take him up on this and give it a shot.  my only question is where do i begin, what should i ”blog” about. 

i ran across this poem i’ve had for years tucked away in a draw and thought now why do i still have this? 

JUST FRIENDS

I NEVER MEANT TO LOVE YOU

IT HAPPEND QUITE BY CHANCE

I WANTED JUST TO BE YOUR FRIEND

NOT TO SHARE A NEW ROMANCE

BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED SUDDENLY

BEFORE MY HEART COULD KNOW

 I CAME TO KNOW A SIDE OF YOU

THAT CAUSED MY LOVE TO GROW

THE TENDER WAY YOU TOUCH ME

I PRAY WILL NEVER END

A MIRACLE OF CIRCUMSTANCE

MY LOVER MY BEST FRIEND.

for the record i am not in love with my best friend but i have suddenly realized how special he is to me and for a long time i couldn’t figure our what it was that made him so special to me.  then it hit me; he’s not from the   town, small-minded population we have found ourselves to share.  he opens the door for me.  he listens to me. he wants to know everything about me and is not afraid to show me the deepest side of himself .  he encourages me to not only set and strive for new goals but he encourages me to step outside the box and actually be the person i was meant to be (whoever that is).  he’s soft yet strong.  he’s funny but stern.  he’s random but at the same time he has a point.  this man is so different from the men i’ve dealt with in the past in so many ways.  people see us together and ask why aren’t we dating.  i have to tell him that he came into my life to be my friend and that’s what we will be forever.  i haven’t told anyone that he has plans (and i’m supporting and encouraging him) to made a life altering change and at the same time move back home or at least to leave this area.  i knew this coming into the friendship and i have accepted the fact that in a few short months our relationship will be different, or will it?  in the past i’d be upset by this or even in denial but with this friendship i went into it knowingly and i have accepted this fact but am so thankful for the opportunity to just say that i know this man.  

now i don’t know why i just said all this nor am i sure he will ever read this and if he does will he know that i am talking about him?  but if he does then i hope he understands that even though i may not get the chance to say these words to him face to face he will have to know that i am so thankful for his friendship and and for the opportunity to laugh, share, clown, and just be myself. 

thank you friend and remember friends we will always be.

 

AGANIN RANDOM BUT THAT’S M@CIE BY NITE